Showing posts with label ETIQUETTE & GROOMING. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ETIQUETTE & GROOMING. Show all posts

How to Show Personal Integrity

Personal integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits.  Lack of integrity can undermine almost any other effort to create high trust accounts. People can seek to understand, remember the little things, keep their promises, clarify and fulfill expectations, and still fail to build reserves of trust if they are inwardly duplicitous.  Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth -- in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words -- in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. This requires an integrated character, a oneness, primarily with self but also with life.

One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present. Suppose you and I were talking alone, and we were criticizing our supervisor in a way that we would not dare to if he were present. Now what will happen when you and I have a falling out? You know I'm going to be discussing your weaknesses with someone else. That's what you and I did behind our supervisor's back. You know my nature. I'll sweet-talk you to your face and bad-mouth you behind your back. You've seen me do it. That's the essence of duplicity. Does that build a reserve of trust in my account with you.

On the other hand, suppose you were to start criticizing our supervisor and I basically told you I agree with the content of some of the criticism and suggest that the two of us go directly to him and make an effective presentation of how things might be improved. Then what would you know I would do if someone were to criticize you to me behind your back? For another example, suppose in my effort to build a relationship with you, I told you something someone else had shared with me in confidence. "I really shouldn't tell you this," I might say, "but since you're my friend..." Would my betraying another person build my trust account with you? Or would you wonder if the things you had told me in confidence were being shared with others? Such duplicity might appear to be making a deposit with the person you're with, but it is actually a withdrawal because you communicate your own lack of integrity. You may get the golden egg of temporary pleasure from putting someone down or sharing privileged information, but you're strangling the goose, weakening the relationship that provides enduring pleasure in association.
Integrity in an interdependent reality is simply this: you treat everyone by the same set of principles. As you do, people will come to trust you. They may not at first appreciate the honest confrontational experiences such integrity might generate. Confrontation takes considerable courage, and many people would prefer to take the course of least resistance, belittling and criticizing, betraying confidences, or participating in gossip about others behind their backs. But in the long run, people will trust and respect you if you are honest and open and kind with them. You care enough to confront. And to be trusted, it is said, is greater than to be loved. In the long run, I am convinced, to be trusted will be also mean to be loved.
When my son Joshua was quite young, he would frequently ask me a soul-searching question. Whenever I overreacted to someone else or was the least bit impatient or unkind, he was so vulnerable and so honest and our relationship was so good that he would simply look me in the eye and say, "Dad, do you love me?" If he thought I was breaking a basic principle of life toward someone else, he wondered if I wouldn't break it with him.
As a teacher, as well as a parent, I have found that the key to the ninety-nine is the one -- particularly the one that is testing the patience and the good humor of the many. It is the love and the discipline of the one student, the one child, that communicates love for the others. It's how you treat the one that reveals how you regard the ninety-nine, because everyone is ultimately a one. Integrity also means avoiding any communication that is deceptive, full of guile, or beneath the dignity of people. "A lie is any communication with intent to deceive," according to one definition of the word. Whether we communicate with words or behavior, if we have integrity, our intent cannot be to deceive.
When we make withdrawals from the Emotional Bank Account, we need to apologize and we need to do it sincerely. Great deposits come in the sincere words ;  "I was wrong." "That was unkind of me." "I showed you no respect." "I gave you no dignity, and I'm deeply sorry." "I embarrassed you in front of your friends and I had no call to do that. Even though I wanted to make a point, I never should have done it. I apologize."
It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.  
People with little internal security can't do it. It makes them too vulnerable. They feel it makes them appear soft and weak, and they fear that others will take advantage of their weakness. Their security is based on the opinions of other people, and they worry about what others might think. In addition, they usually feel justified in what they did. They rationalize their own wrong in the name of the other person's wrong, and if they apologize at all, it's superficial.
"If you're going to bow, bow low," say Eastern wisdom. "Pay the uttermost farthing," says the Christian ethic. To be a deposit, an apology must be sincere. And it must be perceived as sincere. Leo Roskin taught, "It is the weak who are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong  I was in my office at home one afternoon writing, of all things, on the subject of patience. I could hear the boys running up and down the hall making loud banging noises, and I could feel my own patience beginning to wane.
Suddenly, my son David started pounding on the bathroom door, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Let me in! Let me in!"  I rushed out of the office and spoke to him with great intensity. "David, do you have any idea how disturbing that is to me? Do you know how hard it is to try to concentrate and write creatively? Now you go into your room and stay in there until you can behave yourself." So in he went, dejected, and shut the door.
As I turned around, I became aware of another problem. The boys had been playing tackle football in the four-foot-wide hallway, and one of them had been elbowed in the mouth. He was lying there in the hall, bleeding from the mouth. David, I discovered, had gone to the bathroom to get a wet towel for him. But his sister, Maria, who was taking a shower, wouldn't open the door. When I realized that I had completely misinterpreted the situation and had overreacted, I immediately went in to apologize to David. As I opened the door, the first thing he said to me was, "I won't forgive you."  "Well, why not, honey?" I replied. "Honestly, I didn't realize you were trying to help your brother. “ Why won't you forgive me?"  "Because you did the same thing last week," he replied. In other words, he was saying. "Dad, you're overdrawn, and you're not going to talk your way out of a problem you behaved yourself into."
Sincere apologies make deposits; repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals. And the quality of the relationship reflects it.  It is one thing to make a mistake, and quite another thing not to admit it. People will forgive mistakes, because mistakes are usually of the mind, mistakes of judgment. But people will not easily forgive the mistakes of the heart, the ill intention, the bad motives, the prideful justifying cover-up of
the first mistake.
When we make deposits of unconditional love, when we live the primary laws of love, we encourage others to live the primary laws of life. In other words, when we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life -- cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity -- and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we become permissive or soft.
That itself is a massive withdrawal. We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless.  When we violate the primary laws of love -- when we attach strings and conditions to that gift -- we actually encourage others to violate the primary laws of life. We put them in a reactive, defensive position where they feel they have to prove "I matter as a person, independent of you."  In reality, they aren't independent. They are counter-dependent, which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. They become reactive, almost enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their "rights" and producing evidence of their individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives. Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits -- constant deposits of unconditional love.

SIGNS OF GOOD ETIQUETTES AND GROOMING

Here are the true traits of being educated and civilized. Don’t call someone more than twice continuously. If they don’t pick up your calls, that means they have something more important to attend to, or they are not near their phones at that time. When your colleague/ classmate/ team-mate, neighbour, gets shouted at, please don’t stare at them. It makes the moment twice awkward.

When someone drops something on the floor by mistake, drops food from the plate or doesn’t know how to use a knife/fork don’t stare at them. The same goes to people sneezing, coughing or evenletting out an uncontrollable fart. They are all involuntary actions.Always skip using the washroom beside the occupied one. It makes it uneasy for the person in the occupied washroom as well as yourself, if you occupy the one right next to theirs.

Return money that you have borrowed even before the other person remembers that he lent it to you, It shows your integrity and character. Same goes with borrowed umbrellas, pens, lunch boxes or any other item you borrow. Never order the expensive dish on the menu when someone is treating you to lunch/dinner. If possible, ask them to order their choice of food for you. Don’t ask awkward questions like, ‘Oh, so you aren’t married yet?’ Or ‘Don’t you have kids?’ or ‘Why didn’t you buy a house?’ it can embarrass or devastate the person. Have common sense! When someone makes a wrong investment and loses their money, don’t add fuel to the flames by saying ‘I knew this would happen. You should have listened to me’. Don’t make failure seem worse for anyone. Always open the door for the person coming behind you. It doesn’t matter if it is a male or a female. You don’t grow small by treating someone well in public or by being kind.Wear ear phones when travelling on a subway, car or bus. Don’t make others taste your choice of good/bad music. Don't put them through the pain of listening to music under compulsion, no matter how good you think the song or sound is. Always assume they are not in the mood for it.

Don't visit anyone/knock on people's doors unannounced, irrespective of how close, younger or junior they are to you. Call them up and have an appointment, some days or at least a day to your visit, except it is an unavoidable emergency, that probably involves a one -on -one seeing and not a phone talk. When you knock on someone’s door, wait for a response before going in. Knocking means, "can i come in?" and not, " i am coming in". Get a response from inside the house, before you know what next to do. No response? Then go back. When you stretch out your hand to give or take a handshake, always, always, accompany it with a smile and a direct look into the other person's eyes. Make your handshake firm, especially for guys.

Try to chew your food with your mouth closed. If you don't learn this in the privacy of your home, you will surely forget it when you are eating in public. To the utmost disgust of others who have to listen to you chew. Always go out with an handkerchief. With the prevalence of air bonne diseases and germs, the least you could do for yourself is cover your mouth when you yawn and sneeze. In as much you don't want to pick up something new, you should also not spread some of yours. The most important one! Don’t swipe left or right when someone hands over their phone to you for viewing a particular picture, except he /she permits you to. And also, don't browse through their messages and call lists. People's phones and the contents are their private property. Learn to respect that.