HOW TO OVERCOME PROBLEMS IN A MARRIAGE



First of all. There’s a myth going around that says love is uncontrollable. "I just fell in love" - like it was a ditch or something. You don’t fall in love anymore than you fall out of love. Love is a choice. You choose to love. You choose not to love.

In fact, loving someone when you don’t feel like it is a greater expression of love than loving someone when you do feel like it. Love is getting up in the middle of the night and helping a sick child when that’s the last thing you want to do. Love is being patient with your spouse when they’re irritable. Love is when you do the loving thing even when you don’t feel like it.

When you love in spite of your feelings, that’s what I call loving by faith. And don’t forget, it’s easier to act your way into a feeling than feel your way into an action. If you act in a loving way, eventually the feelings will come back.

What about you? Have you been deceived by the myth that love is uncontrollable? Have you stopped loving someone because "the feelings just aren’t there anymore"? Maybe it’s a former friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, a relative, or your own spouse. Remember, love is a choice. And maybe you need to make that choice right now.

The main purpose of marriage is to create a stable home for children to grow and thrive; it protects you from intimate immorality; for procreation. It is a beautiful picture of the relationship of Christ and His church. It is part of God's ordained plan to provide the world with a picture of His love for men and women. It becomes the means for married couples to demonstrate their love for God. You shouldn't marry just to get something.

You must discover yourself and learn to love yourself before you marry. You must be content. Once you accommodate yourself, you then can give love to a man. The Proverbs 31 woman is sure of herself; is content and helps her husband to grow spiritually in God. You may blame your man for not taking good care of you, but you should also take a good look at yourself. You must take good care of yourself and make yourself appealing to your husband
1 Kings 19:1-2;1. And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and withal how he had slain all the prophets with the sword. 2. Then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elijah saying, So let the gods do to me and more also, if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by to morrow at this time."
When you have a problem, you can't go around, under, or over it. You will go through it, but know that God will work it out. Pray about it. There is power in a praying woman. Don't compare yourself to other women. Those who compare themselves to others can be resentful, envious, jealous and full of bitterness.
Galatians 6:4-5; 4. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5. For every man shall bear his own burden." Every man should take care of his own responsibilities and endure his own trials and not put them on someone else.
2 Corinthians 10:12; "For we dare not make ourselves of the number or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves are not wise."
Don't compare yourselves to others. God has given all of us a certain measure and you should use that measure to praise God. Remember that God should be the center of every relationship. Be excited about where you are now. You are still alive and breathing; you have your children; you have a roof over your head and so many blessings from God. Be thankful. God will do more if you are appreciative.

When you are married, stay loyal in your marriage and stay away from the temptations of the world. A wife should love and take care of her husband and herself. Be a wife to him and take care of the home. Love him and pray for and with him. A wife is subject to her husband. A husband must love his wife as Christ loves the church. A man and woman should love their spouse as their own bodies.
(Ephesians 5:22-25, 28-33). A man must love and cherish his wife and the marriage bed should be undefiled. (Hebrews 13:4). Don't have intimate relations outside of marriage. Live your life with your spouse in a way that glorifies God. Always put Christ first in everything.
The major problem is when your is discussion you with others . Some spouses complain bitterly about their partners broadcasting their issues to outsiders; especially complaining about them to strangers without consulting them. The suspicious looks they get from people when they step out, is a turn off for their relationship. Some go to the extent of fighting the outsiders; others just leave the relationship.
This is not happening because of the absence of love; rather the distance between the two hearts has grown wider. One partner is getting hurt because he or she can't express what the other is putting them through. They wished this wasn’t happening but the lack of friendship has created a barrier between two hearts.

They also end up hurting the other spouse with their actions. To them, you are supposed to be my defense, my best friend, my confidant, someone who covers my back, someone who doesn't make me feel vulnerable; you are to protect me from outsiders and not to go telling the outsider what you are not happy with, about me. To me, in your claim to seek help, sympathy, audience and release stress, you have painted me black. Don't expect your relationship to work if you will go out and talk to everyone else about the problem, but never talk to each other about it.

The solution to this problem is to make your spouse your best friend, look at things from their views, express your hurt to them instead of accusing or putting blames on them. Give them time to get over issues and always forgive them for their actions.
Focus on their strengths; anytime they do things you are happy with, praise them and also use the opportunity to tell them nicely what you didn’t like. If talking to your partner one-on-one is becoming a problem to you, write them a letter. Start with the things you like about them, tell them what you don't like and also add what you want to see. Don't be selfish in the relationship; put your partner's happiness first, look for ways and means to make the relationship work rather looking for people to sell your partner to.

Spouses should gate their relationship from intruders and gossips, and also maintain a high level of respect for each other especially when things don't go well in their union. One of the worst feelings for a spouse is to find out that, he or she has been discussed by the one who claimed to love them with an outsider; it feels like they never meant to them as much as they thought, it makes them feel stupid for being in a relationship with them. I have discovered that love doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship. Love cannot help you stick to one person all year round, and on the other hand, cheating isn't always a product of not loving your partner.

In fact, loving someone doesn't guarantee not falling in love with someone else. Relationships work out mostly because of our heads not our hearts. It works out because of our emotional maturity, empathetic intelligence and self discipline; because, time will come when you'll see more beautiful, handsome, romantic, intelligent, sexy, rich, curvy and God fearing people than the one you're in a relationship with.

In those times, love will not help you. Self control will help you. Emotional intelligence will come to your rescue and commitment will keep you going. With those characteristics, no matter how you feel for someone else, the person you're committed to will rank first in your life.

You think happily married people don't see better people than the ones they married to? You think they don't feel funny sometimes? You think they don't catch feelings? They do! But understanding that commitment is greater than feelings and it  is the great arsenal that destroys those unhelpful impulses.

You can fall in love with anyone, but building a relationship takes absolutely more than what attracted you to them and takes more than love. We are too fond of loving when it's convenient and sweet. We are too fond of loving when love is there; but that can only last for just the first 3 - 6 months of the relationship in many cases.

After then, you'll realise that the feelings have dropped and it's now your responsibility to make the relationship work, not love's responsibility. Relationships cannot be readymade. You have to build it and it's never always about love, it requires commitment and intelligence.In the long run in marriages, it's not just love that keeps them together forever, it's determination and commitment.

Everyone falls in love; it takes little or no effort to do that. But staying in love? Building a relationship? Only the strong and committed ones do that. That's why we must find that one person and commit to that one, discipline yourself and bridle your emotions.Building a relationship is hard work, it's like building a career, It's like pursuing a dream.

It's  always tough. At some point it will be so bitter but you can make it work by putting your heads together. You can scale through the trying times by staying focused and committed. The kind of love that attracts two people together is not the kind of love that will keep them together. Be emotionally strong, be self disciplined and above all,  have the God factor that will give you the grace needed to reign you in.
There must be a teachable spirit is a quality both partners need to build a healthy relationship. Some men may think that a teachable spirit should be a quality for only women because they are meant to submit to the men but the truth is that as a man if you are not teachable then you have a big problem called pride. We know that men naturally have ego but that shouldn't be an excuse. As a man you must also have a teachable spirit no matter your level of ego.

So what does it mean to be teachable? To be teachable means your willingness to learn, your willingness to accept that you are wrong and your willingness to listen to corrections when you are corrected.

No relationship is perfect and there are times that you as a person will do something wrong but when your partner tries to correct you, how do you react?. Are you open to the corrections or you just feel like your partner has no right to tell you what you did is wrong.

Note that teachability is not a sign of foolishness or inferiority neither is it a sign of weakness. It only displays your level of humility and meekness. Humility is a sign that you are teachable and pride is a sign that you are not teachable. It's as simple as that.

Pride makes you a god to yourself, your life will revolve around only yourself. Pride will make you to be too arrogant to be instructed or corrected. Pride will make you feel like nobody has reached the standard to point your attention to your wrongs not even your partner. The simple truth is that pride can destroy you and it can also wreck your relationship.

If you have a problem with learning from the good advice your partner gives you then you need to check yourself. If you find it difficult to listen to the corrections your partner gives when you do something wrong then you need to check yourself.If you are always justifying your wrongs even when you know fully well that what you did is not right then you need to check yourself.

If you shun your partner when he or she is telling you the things you did wrong then you need to check yourself. These are real signs that you lack a teachable spirit so you need to work on yourself. Can a teachable spirit be cultivated? Yes it can.

All you need to do is to be willing to learn from your partner, be willing to always accept that you are wrong and apologise and be open to corrections as well.

Always remember that a healthy relationship is built when both partners are always open to learning and corrections from each other. Cultivate a teachable spirit because it will go a long way in sustaining your relationship.

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